"Expectation is the root to all heartache." - William Shakespear

I can't get this feeling out of my chest.

Family

What does family mean to you? To me it's the people who you should know will be there for you, no matter what happens. Their the one's who catch you and put you back on your feet when no one else does. The people who love you and support you regardless of anything else.

I can say these things are true of most of my family. Except my dad, and that makes me really sad. But my father has some very interesting views on the world, views which I can't agree with. I respect his views though, since I believe each to their own... but he won't show the same courtesy for me. Along with his constant expectations, and when you don't live up to his expectations... you know about it. I have never been good at talking to my dad, for a number of reasons. I am still polite and never rude when I speak to him, but I don't feel like I will ever be able to be close with him. Lately he's said some things which really hurt me, things that a person can't just get over. I don't want things to be this way and I have always tried to keep things good between us. But I think you just get to a point when they have just hurt you to many times, that you give up.

I've been trying for 19 years, and yesterday I finally gave up. Maybe things will get better a few years from now, but for now I'm done trying.

Relax

I am currently sipping some Camomile, Honey and Vanilla tea while listening to Come Undone by Vanessa Carlton. Relaxing indeed :)

University has been going good! University has taught me so many things, and allowed lots and lots of personal growth. Which I am very grateful for! Because if there is an opportunity to grow I believe it should be taken. Since there is always room for more personal growth and allowing further understanding of ourselves and the world around us.

With time.

Missed my train to go to uni today, was pretty bummed about it. But I am going tomorrow :) and both my tutors are awesome so that's always a plus :).

My skin has been horrid lately, I just wish it would calm down. I really need to get some new skincare products! But I really don't have the money to do that yet, ohh well. With time good things come!

Piano

Giovanni Boldini, La Femme En Rouge

This picture is so stunning, I still want to learn the piano!

Image by Masaaki Sasamoto

"Strength of character means the ability to overcome resentment against others, to hide hurt feelings, and to forgive quickly." - Unknown

Agreed.

People who have touched their lives

"Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives."

It didn't say who wrote this quote, but I really did love it. Although pain is horrible, any kind of pain is. But I know through pain we learn, that's how we learn not to touch the hot stove when we're 4 because we burnt our hand on it. It teaches us, the hard way. But if it tried teaching us the easy way wouldn't we keep making the same mistake because we feel there is no consequence? Whether is be emotional or physical pain, because without feeling any kind of consequence we'd have many more broken legs and people giving away they hearts to whoever made them feel special regardless of the fact they continuously cheated (those are just some random examples). I think it's the same with emotional pain, we learn from past hurts and how to avoid them in the future. Or how to better deal with situations and to be able to hold onto our self respect.

Life lesson: Don't always trust your mind.

I know it sounds bizarre, but I really believe in this. Sometimes things appear a certain way, when they are anything but. For example, just say someone yawns when you are talking to them and automatically think they think your boring. But did you ever think they could just be tired? See what I mean? There have been so many countless times when I have done things like this and it's like a little stab each time, because the unfortunate truth is... our brains are so use to negativity. We get tidal waves of negativity each day, just from TV and sometimes from people. So no wonder we pay more attention to negative detail. Sometimes it actually takes strength of the mind to replace it with positive, to step out of that box. If we let negativity surround us, it follows us. So punch it in the face and tell it to get lost, because we don't want it hanging around.

Beanies and slippers

At some stage, these are some things I want to do:

- Join a book club - I love to read :) and being in a book club would give me the opporunity to find out about books which I may have otherwise never found. And then get to discuss them with other people! Which is something I love to do, but don't always get to since often people haven't read the book or aren't interested.

- Learn to play the piano/guitar - I have never learnt an instrument before, but would love to! I have always wanted to learn the piano and I am very interested in learning to play the guitar :) I think I'd like acoustic best.

- Go on a holiday- Well yes, I have been on holidays before. But a holiday with just Caleb/friends or even by myself.

- Volunteer at Paradise Kids/Night riders - I think volunteering in a organisation like those would be really fulfilling for me. Helping someone :) but also learning and gaining experience. I believe being exposed to new experiences are great opportunities to learn and grow.

- Save up and buy a laptop - ASAP

- Go to a high tea - I have always been intrigued by them and they seem pretty fancy :)

- Eventually move out - ;)

- Find a reliable part time job - ASAP

- Go hiking - To be honest, I don't know what it is that exactly intrigues me about hiking but I think it's just being out and away from everything. Just in nature :) it's nice to get away sometimes.

:)

Well I have an action plan now at least :)

I watched a video on youtube the other day about the media and TV shows and they have such a big impact on people. They make us question our own values and plant these idea's into our minds about what specific gender roles are etc. And it's so true. I just don't want to watch TV anymore. I'm sick of questioning some of the things I believe, things that I use to believe so strongly in. And I'm not saying its not good to question what you believe because sometimes that's a good thing. But I think more so when you question it in a positive way, to better it. The ways it has made me question mine... the only way I can think of to explain it, is negative questioning.

I guess its all in learning and growing. Deciding where I stand on different subjects, but it makes it harder deciding where I stand when I get such mixed signals from everyone/everything.

I just feel like going to some remote place, by myself with no people anywhere. So I can be alone and just decide everything, figure everything out. And I know that all wouldn't happen at that one time, but to at least give me a starting point. With absolutely no influences, so I can make my decisions and for them to be mine alone. I know I could do it where I am now, but it would probably just be much easier being in some secluded beautiful location :P

Even though I will continue to question and grow once I have decided these things, at least I will have my bases so I can know I am stepping on firm ground instead of in some kind of quick sand. Because especially being a psychologist you need to be willing to have your personal beliefs questioned, to step out of the comfort zone and be open to other opinions. But never stop questioning... just because someone says something does not mean they are right. Don't accept something someone says if it doesn't sit right with you, always question. Only accept when you too believe it wholeheartedly, but still allow it to be questioned. I don't want to let myself believe everything is concrete, I want to just be open. Go with the flow bro haha! I want to help people and I want to help them find their feet. I want to help people find happiness. I know I can't do it for them but I want to support them in their findings. Be a positive encouragement for them. I want to help change people's lives for the better, even if its in the smallest way.

Arts and Crafts

I am currently getting together the things I need to make a card for my friend. Who's birthday is tomorrow :) the present is all wrapped just have the card left to do! Trying to plan out how I will do it in my mind. I know it will include a fair bit of purple since that is her favourite colour, just like mine. I really enjoy making things, just like I enjoy writing and drawing. I'm going to get started!

Dawn

You know how sometimes you consider something, just because you can think of one good reason. But really deep down you know that's not what you want. So why do it? You'll probably feel sillier for it later and possibly regret it. If its not you, turn around and walk away.

To build a home.

This song gives me goosebumps.

why...

I don't know why, but I wish I did. Maybe there is more to it, than what I understand.

Love

This beautiful Painting is by: George Frederie Watts

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. - John, 4:18

questions

Do they do it on purpose? Or don't they realise?

we play the cards

It's the niceties that make the difference fate gives us the hand, and we play the cards.
- Arthur Schopenhauer

Eucalyptus

Eucalyptus tissues aren't to good for my eyes, kind of burnt a little haha! Their good for the nose though :) they smell nice.

I don't know why but I have felt kind of drained today and I'm not sure why. But I don't really like feeling like this since my emotions become quite touchy. No one else would notice though, since I try so very hard for it not to show since I know there isn't really a need. But even though it isn't known to other people, it definitely is known to me. But I think I just need sleep which I will get once I write this post.

This past year and half, have been I guess a major time in my life. Lots of learning, growing, challenges which are all good. Just the stress and difficult situations/questions are full on at times. But those are where some of the most learning takes place, with the hard things. I am kind of in this phase where I am really finding my feet I guess. To be sure of who I am as a person and in some ways I am still figuring that out. I am sure of myself but I am still looking for opportunities to grow. I want to broaden my views and goals as well as my knowledge.

My beliefs and faith have been things constantly on my mind lately. And some answers I feel I want answered, but where to go to ask them? I think I just need to figure and decide these things for myself though. Because it's something where I don't think an answer from someone else would be the solution. I think our faiths and beliefs are a very personal growth. I want to decide and accept things because I want to and I truly believe them and not because someone else believes it. It has to feel right in my heart and it does at the moment, it's just I feel there is still so much more growing to be done. I want to be closer.

Anyways I should go to bed, at least having gotten this out of my mind might not keep me awake thinking about it! Goodnight :)

Doubt.

Doesn't matter if you fail, I have never looked at failing as a bad thing. To me its not even failing, it's learning. I have failed before at something I wanted so badly to do well in, and yes it was pretty difficult to deal with. But I tried again, failed again... and on my third try I was actually successful. And to be honest if I didn't fail the first two times, I don't think I would be as grateful for where I am now. I still have people who doubt me, people who you would hope would support you. But I'm not going to let that stop me. I just hope everyone else, and anyone who may read this. Don't worry if you fail, because you can try again and you learn as you go. Which makes everything even more worth it once you achieve it. You can do anything, and don't let people's doubt, make you doubt yourself.

Naps

Nap's solve everything.

Books, I love books.

I wish I had book shelves like this!

...

And it's one of those times where I just wish I could go for a walk and be by myself for a little while. Yet there are a couple factors which make that not possible at the moment.
1. It's dark
2. It would be scary
3. It's really cold and I think I would die of coldness

:)

Finally.













Wait... no not finally! Gah.

Listen to the wind

This song by Hayley Westenra is so beautiful. I wish I could sing -sigh haha!

Had peer mentoring again with Beth today and I am honestly so grateful for everything her and Claire have done for me. Kindness like that is never something you forget and their so encouraging and understanding. I feel blessed to even have had the opportunity to have their help. So yes, I'm feeling pretty good about everything now which is a change to how I use to feel. So to feel good like this now, is really nice. Claire was saying there are a few other students she thinks need some help, but their too shy to come and join us. And I know from personal experience it is hard taking that first step but once you do everything gets SO much better. I hope they come and join us! More the merrier :) and hopefully we can make it easier for them too.

A poem, painting and song

As I said I would do, here is my Wednesday poem, painting and song :)

A poem - The Road not taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

A painting - Lamia by John William Waterhouse

























A song - Banana Pancakes by Jack Johnson :)

First step

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”
- Joanne Kathleen Rowling

I know there have been things I have come across which I didn't want to accept, things that I didn't like and therefore wanted to just be stubborn and never accept. But in doing so I was just making things harder for myself. When you come across something that you really dislike, how do you move on from that? How do you come to terms with something which completely rips you up inside? Firstly I think with our emotions we can turn something so small into something huge. Our emotions sometimes make us completely look at things from the wrong angle, with a very negative view. So take a step back and think about how you feel, especially before you act upon how you feel. Think, is what you are thinking rational? Is it really true to the situation or has there been a misunderstanding? And when its something that just doesn't sit well with you, then instead of fighting it, why not try and accept it? Looking at it for what it is and just saying, "Well you know, that's just how it is so I should see it for what it is and stop wishing I could change it." It doesn't mean you have to take part in it or love it, just accept it. I think when you try and hold onto something, it hurts us more. Because not everything in this world is going to be what we want it to be, there are going to be things which go against what we believe and things that are going to hurt us. But it gives us an opportunity to grow and learn. Instead of wishing for something to be different when it is incapable of it, accept it. And I know it's hard, because it was hard for me. But I knew I had to accept it in order to move on, because I couldn't change it. If you can change something then go for it, but if you can't, accept it instead. Just be true to yourself, and try to look at the world openly, without judgement. Accept things as they are, and don't wish them to be different if it's not possible.

:o!

Who wants to come? ;D

and so it is

Psalm 27:1 - The lord is my light and my salvation, so why should I be afraid.

Proverbs 23:7 - As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.

What really matters.

Location, money, material objects don't make a person happy. But the people in a person's life, most certainly do. Cherish the people who love you, because their the ones who make things happier and easier in all aspects of our lives.

Time

There are some things which I think will take time for me to understand. And these things I wish to learn, I just need to look at it in a completely non-judgmental way and see it for how it is and once I have done that and I can accept it for what it is. Then I think my understanding will grow.

Warmth

It is so cold here at the moment! Like freezing, I feel like I'm in Antarctica, even though I know how cold it is here wouldn't come close to the coldness there. But anywho, I have my tea and it warms me up a bit :)

Been talking to Caleb and Rosie about dying my hair. They both think blond would look good on me, but I'm not really sure. Like I feel comfortable with red because I love that colour so much and have had a shade of red before. But blond is completely new, but I guess I'll never know until I actually go blond haha! I can always change it back anyway if I don't like it.

Stacey Charter

Stacey Charter, what an inspirational person she is! Her quotes, are now some of my favourite. To be honest, probably my favourite haha! Stacey apparently achieved her popularity by creating numerous quotes on life, happiness and inspiration after enduring both divorce and cancer. Here are a couple of her quotes:

“Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.”

“Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable... attainable. Have the patience, wait it out It's all about timing.”

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.”

“" Life is filled with so many exciting twists and turns. Hop off the straight and narrow whenever you can and take the winding paths. Experience the exhilaration of the view from the edge. Because the moments spent there, that take your breath away, are what make you feel truly alive."

After reading her quotes, I know for sure how much I would love to just sit and have a conversation with her! I believe 100% in the things she has said.

I want one of these swings in my backyard! :)

I actually am so tempted to do another poem, painting and song! But I will resist. I would love to learn to paint one day, maybe take some painting classes. Even pottery! I love artistic things like that. I just find art amazing, how something can make you feel something without words or need for explanation. An object having the ability to make a person be in awe of it.

Be kind.

Live.

I promise.

This is a beautiful quote, one which I would definitely like to promise to.

Hell yes!

Don't let anyone define you, you are your own person and are capable of anything :)

There are no words.

Amazing.

do more

Love.

Dreams.

A poem, painting and song

I have decided every Wednesday I am going to make "a poem, painting and song day" where I will blog a poem I like, a painting I like and as you probably guessed a song I like haha! I will have to try and make sure I remember to do it! I love art and I consider each of these to be beautiful forms of art. I may even decide to submit some of my own.

A poem - When the Rose is faded by Walter de la Mare

When the rose is faded,
Memory may still dwell on
Her beauty shadowed,
And the sweet smell gone.

That vanishing loveliness,
That burdening breath,
No bond of life hath then,
Nor grief of death.

'Tis the immortal thought
Whose passion still
Makes the changing
The unchangeable.

Oh, thus thy beauty,
Loveliest on earth to me,
Dark with no sorrow, shines
And burns, with thee.

A painting -by Henry Meynell Rheam (1859-1920), "Queen Mab"



















A song - Biffy Clyro - Many of horror

I just went for a shower to take a break from my assignment, which I still need to finish. But I wanted to blog quickly! Giving into temptation which is naughty of me... but ohh well haha! Anyway when I got out of the shower I noticed my hair has gotten longer! Because I am trying to grow it long again. Anyway when I noticed I did this like giggle... and I started laughing so much afterward because it sounded hilarious. And I've been laughing since I was walking from the bathroom to room. I'm a strange one ;) but it makes it easy to be me :P I find it so easy to be by myself, I honestly never get bored. Ahhh, even though I was thinking about something that kind of makes me sad while I was in the shower (the shower is like my thinking place), I'm feeling really good all in all. I guess I've just come to terms with that one thing, so nothing is really getting to me at the moment. Which is wonderful of coarse :)

I'm just over everything that shouldn't matter to me. I don't want to put my energy into things that don't deserve my energy. It's really just draining, I am going to put my energy into the things I love, that are important to me.

kindness

Trust.

He knows whats in my heart and I have decided that's all I need.

when a heart misses a beat

Love isn't always fair and we don't always get to choose who we love. There is nothing wrong with my relationship with Caleb. I am talking about a relationship which one of my very good friends is in. There going through a rough time at the moment and she's really hurting. And it hurts me to know she's hurting, and in some ways I can relate to how she feels. Since I was in a situation different to hers but similar at the same time. Even though we all feel things differently, but just thinking back to how I felt when I was going through it and how she must be feeling at the moment, pulls a few strings. I just hope they patch everything back up, I know she really loves him. But whichever way things go, I know she will be ok even if she doesn't think so. We as humans don't give ourselves enough credit for our resilience. Although we don't always know we have it until the situation arises where we need to use it.

I care about all my girl friends immensely, and I feel so lucky to have them as my friends. And Caleb of coarse who isn't only my boyfriend but my best friend too :)

I have this thing... for Fireflies :)

Gah

Assignments assignments assignments! Why oh why must you be so troublesome? This one on Schizophrenia is proving to be rather difficult, finding articles on it that is. Even though I know there must be tonnes and tonnes, but every legitimate one I have come across the site requires you to pay to view it. I mean seriously =.= so tomorrow I am going to force my mother to come with me to the library so I can find some decent books. If I am lucky they could have some articles. I really need to get stuck into this assignment tomorrow, otherwise I am literally in a lot of hoot-a-toot trouble! Better put my thinking cap on, I remember when my teacher at primary school use to make us do that haha! How easy we had it back then, and we didn't even know it.

Young Victoria