This feeling.

I thought I was ready for that conversation, but obviously not. Hurt feelings can be so difficult to deal with. I think if its something that hurts only a little it can be fairly easy to get over, but when something really hurts you it can really stick with you.

I just don't know how to feel about it all. I think I know how I want to feel but as hard as I try, I still just feel hurt. I don't know how to make myself okay with it all. But then I think... Do I have to be okay with it? If I am hurt and don't like what's going on, isn't that something that should be just as important?

I guess I just feel as though my feelings would be misunderstood even if I did say something. I wish everyone could put themselves in the other person's shoes. How would they feel?

I wish people thought before they said something, because you never know what kind of impact your words can have on a person. How they can become so ingrained in their mind, they can repeat what you said word for word even years later. Words stay with you.

Words are powerful and sometimes I feel like not many people understand that.

"Expectation is the root to all heartache." - William Shakespear

I can't get this feeling out of my chest.

Family

What does family mean to you? To me it's the people who you should know will be there for you, no matter what happens. Their the one's who catch you and put you back on your feet when no one else does. The people who love you and support you regardless of anything else.

I can say these things are true of most of my family. Except my dad, and that makes me really sad. But my father has some very interesting views on the world, views which I can't agree with. I respect his views though, since I believe each to their own... but he won't show the same courtesy for me. Along with his constant expectations, and when you don't live up to his expectations... you know about it. I have never been good at talking to my dad, for a number of reasons. I am still polite and never rude when I speak to him, but I don't feel like I will ever be able to be close with him. Lately he's said some things which really hurt me, things that a person can't just get over. I don't want things to be this way and I have always tried to keep things good between us. But I think you just get to a point when they have just hurt you to many times, that you give up.

I've been trying for 19 years, and yesterday I finally gave up. Maybe things will get better a few years from now, but for now I'm done trying.

Relax

I am currently sipping some Camomile, Honey and Vanilla tea while listening to Come Undone by Vanessa Carlton. Relaxing indeed :)

University has been going good! University has taught me so many things, and allowed lots and lots of personal growth. Which I am very grateful for! Because if there is an opportunity to grow I believe it should be taken. Since there is always room for more personal growth and allowing further understanding of ourselves and the world around us.

With time.

Missed my train to go to uni today, was pretty bummed about it. But I am going tomorrow :) and both my tutors are awesome so that's always a plus :).

My skin has been horrid lately, I just wish it would calm down. I really need to get some new skincare products! But I really don't have the money to do that yet, ohh well. With time good things come!

Piano

Giovanni Boldini, La Femme En Rouge

This picture is so stunning, I still want to learn the piano!

Image by Masaaki Sasamoto

"Strength of character means the ability to overcome resentment against others, to hide hurt feelings, and to forgive quickly." - Unknown

Agreed.

People who have touched their lives

"Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives."

It didn't say who wrote this quote, but I really did love it. Although pain is horrible, any kind of pain is. But I know through pain we learn, that's how we learn not to touch the hot stove when we're 4 because we burnt our hand on it. It teaches us, the hard way. But if it tried teaching us the easy way wouldn't we keep making the same mistake because we feel there is no consequence? Whether is be emotional or physical pain, because without feeling any kind of consequence we'd have many more broken legs and people giving away they hearts to whoever made them feel special regardless of the fact they continuously cheated (those are just some random examples). I think it's the same with emotional pain, we learn from past hurts and how to avoid them in the future. Or how to better deal with situations and to be able to hold onto our self respect.

Life lesson: Don't always trust your mind.

I know it sounds bizarre, but I really believe in this. Sometimes things appear a certain way, when they are anything but. For example, just say someone yawns when you are talking to them and automatically think they think your boring. But did you ever think they could just be tired? See what I mean? There have been so many countless times when I have done things like this and it's like a little stab each time, because the unfortunate truth is... our brains are so use to negativity. We get tidal waves of negativity each day, just from TV and sometimes from people. So no wonder we pay more attention to negative detail. Sometimes it actually takes strength of the mind to replace it with positive, to step out of that box. If we let negativity surround us, it follows us. So punch it in the face and tell it to get lost, because we don't want it hanging around.

Beanies and slippers

At some stage, these are some things I want to do:

- Join a book club - I love to read :) and being in a book club would give me the opporunity to find out about books which I may have otherwise never found. And then get to discuss them with other people! Which is something I love to do, but don't always get to since often people haven't read the book or aren't interested.

- Learn to play the piano/guitar - I have never learnt an instrument before, but would love to! I have always wanted to learn the piano and I am very interested in learning to play the guitar :) I think I'd like acoustic best.

- Go on a holiday- Well yes, I have been on holidays before. But a holiday with just Caleb/friends or even by myself.

- Volunteer at Paradise Kids/Night riders - I think volunteering in a organisation like those would be really fulfilling for me. Helping someone :) but also learning and gaining experience. I believe being exposed to new experiences are great opportunities to learn and grow.

- Save up and buy a laptop - ASAP

- Go to a high tea - I have always been intrigued by them and they seem pretty fancy :)

- Eventually move out - ;)

- Find a reliable part time job - ASAP

- Go hiking - To be honest, I don't know what it is that exactly intrigues me about hiking but I think it's just being out and away from everything. Just in nature :) it's nice to get away sometimes.

:)

Well I have an action plan now at least :)

I watched a video on youtube the other day about the media and TV shows and they have such a big impact on people. They make us question our own values and plant these idea's into our minds about what specific gender roles are etc. And it's so true. I just don't want to watch TV anymore. I'm sick of questioning some of the things I believe, things that I use to believe so strongly in. And I'm not saying its not good to question what you believe because sometimes that's a good thing. But I think more so when you question it in a positive way, to better it. The ways it has made me question mine... the only way I can think of to explain it, is negative questioning.

I guess its all in learning and growing. Deciding where I stand on different subjects, but it makes it harder deciding where I stand when I get such mixed signals from everyone/everything.

I just feel like going to some remote place, by myself with no people anywhere. So I can be alone and just decide everything, figure everything out. And I know that all wouldn't happen at that one time, but to at least give me a starting point. With absolutely no influences, so I can make my decisions and for them to be mine alone. I know I could do it where I am now, but it would probably just be much easier being in some secluded beautiful location :P

Even though I will continue to question and grow once I have decided these things, at least I will have my bases so I can know I am stepping on firm ground instead of in some kind of quick sand. Because especially being a psychologist you need to be willing to have your personal beliefs questioned, to step out of the comfort zone and be open to other opinions. But never stop questioning... just because someone says something does not mean they are right. Don't accept something someone says if it doesn't sit right with you, always question. Only accept when you too believe it wholeheartedly, but still allow it to be questioned. I don't want to let myself believe everything is concrete, I want to just be open. Go with the flow bro haha! I want to help people and I want to help them find their feet. I want to help people find happiness. I know I can't do it for them but I want to support them in their findings. Be a positive encouragement for them. I want to help change people's lives for the better, even if its in the smallest way.

Arts and Crafts

I am currently getting together the things I need to make a card for my friend. Who's birthday is tomorrow :) the present is all wrapped just have the card left to do! Trying to plan out how I will do it in my mind. I know it will include a fair bit of purple since that is her favourite colour, just like mine. I really enjoy making things, just like I enjoy writing and drawing. I'm going to get started!

Dawn

You know how sometimes you consider something, just because you can think of one good reason. But really deep down you know that's not what you want. So why do it? You'll probably feel sillier for it later and possibly regret it. If its not you, turn around and walk away.

To build a home.

This song gives me goosebumps.

why...

I don't know why, but I wish I did. Maybe there is more to it, than what I understand.

Love

This beautiful Painting is by: George Frederie Watts

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. - John, 4:18

questions

Do they do it on purpose? Or don't they realise?

we play the cards

It's the niceties that make the difference fate gives us the hand, and we play the cards.
- Arthur Schopenhauer